There goes my life.....

I never thought I had what it took to be a mother. Brian and I decided to leave it in God's hands and we knew that he wouldn't steer us in the wrong direction. A year later we were blessed with a beautiful little boy. But I still wasn't sure I was ready. There goes my life. No more sleeping in late on Saturday mornings. We can't just jump in the car to go grab a bite to eat. I can't even do something as simple as taking a quick shower without it being carefully planned out in advance. My selfishness and ever changing hormones made it extremely hard to adjust.

I watched Jacob tonight while he was sleeping and it breaks my heart to remember just how difficult it was in the beginning. My eyes welled up with tears thinking of the seconds, minutes and hours I lost with him. In reality it probably doesn't add up to much, but it feels like a lot to me. I don't think there is anything in my life that I regret more.

I love to stare into his angelic blue eyes, watching his different expressions and seeing his toothless smile. I love to blow gentle puffs of air into his face and listen to him laugh. His giggles are the best sound ever. He's adorable when he's tired and shakes his head from side to side before giving in to the nap that only his parents long for. In the morning, after opening the shades, I walk over to his crib and peer in. His face instantly lights up and he flashes me this huge smile. This is how it's supposed to be.


Brian has given Jacob his last bottle for the evening and as he carries him up the stairs to his bedroom I watch and think there goes my life. =)