First nightmare

I was so excited to finally get a good night's sleep, despite getting up 4 times to use the bathroom and I couldn't wait to sleep in this morning. Normally before bed I would read baby books, magazines or surf the net for baby stuff. Well lately I've been reading this new series that is out in stores and very popular, so I have fallen behind on my baby reading. Since I'm waiting to borrow the 4th book, I figured I'd catch up. Huge mistake.

Brian is rolling his eyes as I type this, but I'm hoping to go through much of the "laboring" process in the comforts of home. I'm still really eager to try a natural childbirth, though I am totally open to an epidural. One of my concerns is that if I go to the hospital too soon that I'll want that epi right away. But I also realize that when having a baby, anything can happen. So we'll see. I know it most likely won't be easy.

I dreamt that I did just that, labored mostly at home and by the time I got to the hospital I was ready to push. I don't know how I got to the hospital, my guess is an ambulance because neither Brian nor my mom were there. (I want both Brian and my mom in the delivery room) So I started pushing and had Jacob, it hurt a lot but was fairly easy. They said I tore a little and would need maybe a stitch or two and I thought phewww, thank goodness. Then I saw the doctor and the nurse off to the side holding onto some medical instruments and I heard the doctor say it was time for the episiotomy and I'm was thinking what??? How could I need that now when the baby has already been delivered. I argued with the doctor and the nurses that there was no way in heck they were going to cut me, just to sew me back up, NO WAY. I got up off the bed and started to back away, I ran into the hallway screaming bloody murder for someone to help me. Finally the doctor angrily shoved his clipboard at me to have me sign something stating I was okay with not having the episiotomy.

I go back into the room and there sits my mother holding Jacob. I remember looking at his dark hair and chunky cheeks. She tries to hand him to me and I totally refused him. I said I didn't want him and she could keep holding him. She kept trying to get me to take him and I wouldn't. I refused my own child. I started to lay back down on the bed and a different doctor comes into the room with a catheter in his hand. He has his back to me at the sink but goes "well are we ready for the catheter?" I remember thinking here we go again. I said I don't need a catheter as I never had an epidural. He was like sure you do and I argued with him. I asked if he didn't hear all the screaming that had just taken place, and to go ask the nurses if I had been up and out of bed already. I could manage going to the bathroom myself. We argued for a few more minutes and then he left. Thank goodness I woke up after that. hahaha.

Yes, I absolutely do have an overactive imagination. However, I guess those are all legitimate fears that I have about labor & delivery. I'm terrified of being alone in the delivery room, I'm terrified of episiotomies and catheters and most importantly I'm scared of not "bonding" with my son after he's born. I guess it's hard to believe that being childless is about to end when for as long as I can remember back, I was NEVER going to have children EVER. I never felt maternal so what if that maternal instinct doesn't kick in for me???

My mind tried to reassure me that everything would be fine, even if it were for just a few moments because when I went back to sleep I had another dream. We had brought the baby home and I was happy. Brian was here with me and everything felt like it should be. I brought the baby upstairs to the changing table and was about to change the first diaper at home. When I took off the diaper that's when I discovered that Jacob was actually Olivia. What the heck?????